Touch
Heals

Sex and Intimacy
Coaching

1.

Q. I was married for eleven years and separated from my wife a year ago because I realized I was attracted to men. Since then I have been exploring sex with men, but I find that my idea of being with men is not matched by my experience of it. For one thing, I often feel pressured to have anal sex, and penetration is not pleasurable to me. Also, I like touching, affection, holding, lots of physical contact that's not necessarily genital-sexual, and I almost always come away from a sexual encounter feeling undernourished in that department.
-- Not Ready

Dear Not Ready:

You'd be surprised to know how many gay men have the same experience of longing for affectionate contact and being forced to sacrifice that desire for a more intense sexual involvement than they really wanted. In gay life, it seems to be much easier to make dates for all kinds of sexual activity, even extremely intense and intimate encounters (Party and play! Fist me now!) than to negotiate cuddle time. I have a theory about this. As adolescents, we never got to witness the several stages of physical involvement that straight kids go through -- from dancing together in public to holding hands to making out to more private interactions like petting over clothing, petting under clothing -- before intercourse takes place. For most of us, the first time we saw men interacting sexually, we were doing it ourselves or we were watching pornography, in which the participants invariably plunge directly into sexual activity with a minimal amount of foreplay. That leaves us with two big tasks -- we have to make up the gaps in our sexual education on our own, and we have to free ourselves from the overpowering model of porn-video sex. Neither task is easy, but they can be done.
     Because sexual desire is so private and so personal, we don't really know what other people's are, but that doesn't stop us from experiencing real or imaginary peer pressure. "Everybody else is more experienced than I am," the thinking may go. "If I don't like to do X [fill in the blank with the sexual activity of your choice], there must be something wrong with me. I'm too immature, or I'm a wimp, or I'm not masculine enough, or I'm not gay enough." And likewise we may feel the same way about the things we do like: "Hmmm, I like Z [sexual activity of your choice] -- is that normal? Is that wrong? Maybe I better keep that to myself." The reality is, almost everybody walks around thinking those thoughts! No wonder it's so hard to connect! It would be funny if it weren't so sad and frustrating.
     Here are some suggestions I have about getting the physical contact that you want:
     1. Know that what you want is okay.
     2. Give yourself permission to let your desire be known BEFORE you head for the bedroom. When the question "What are you into?" comes up, getting what you want means being honest about it. And that takes courage, especially if the answer is more complicated than "I'm a top" or "I'm a bottom." If what you're looking for is an hour of cuddling, or an evening of watching a movie on the VCR while lying together on the sofa or the bed, it's better to do that before you end up in the bedroom with a horny guy tearing your clothes off.
     3. In communicating your desire for contact, lead with what you DO want. You're more likely to get what you want by talking about it positively: "I'm feeling affectionate -- how about if we cuddle for a bit" or "Let's give each other a massage" rather than "I'm not into fucking." Or entertaining an offer that doesn't suit you, you might say, "I might like to try that sometime, but right now what I'm in the mood for is this."
     4. Let sex be about connection rather than cumming. Sometimes it feels like once somebody's got an erection, you're off to the races, and there's no stopping til you cross the finish line. Again, that's one of the legacies of pornography. What about stopping, playing, talking, letting your dicks go up and down, checking in, and just resting when something feels good? It might be useful to practice verbalizing what feels good. "Oh, it feels so good just holding you like this" or "You're a great kisser" or "Let's slow down, I'd like to make this last."
     5. Don't order Chinese food at a Mexican restaurant. By that I mean, if you're longing for affectionate non-sexual contact with a guy, you're better off not logging onto Manhunt.com. In contemporary gay culture, there's a huge system set up for sex on the spot (phone sex, chat rooms, the baths, etc.), and it's great if that's what you're looking for. But it's not only frustrating but discouraging to go into those arenas with a desire for some other kind of contact. It wears you down. Expect the expectable. You may need to find different avenues for socializing and having encounters. Find a massage group or start one. Post a profile on PlanetOut.com or Gay.com that spells out the kind of connection you're looking for very specifically and invitingly. Maybe the biggest spiritual challenge is acting toward other people the way you'd like them to act toward you. Be the man you're looking for and see what happens.

Posted May 12, 2004

2.

Q: Two months ago I broke up with my boyfriend and I’m single again for the first time in four years. I’ve been spending a lot of time -- two or three hours a night -- online chatting with guys and sometimes getting together for sex. This is all pretty new to me. I’m having a great time, meeting interesting guys and having much better sex than I ever had in my relationship. I’m not turning down other social engagements, and it’s not interfering with my work, but I notice that I’m not watching as much TV as I used to because I can’t wait to log on to AOL and see who’s out there. I wonder if I’m sexually compulsive.

A. Oh my God, you mean you’re forsaking the opportunity to watch “Trading Spaces” to interact with other human beings and actually meet some face to face? That’s downright un-American! Congratulations for interrupting your TV habit, which may be the single most insidious activity in modern life, encouraging active-minded citizens to be passive, politically inert receptacles for whatever propaganda the corporate oligarchy wants to shove down their throats. How many households do you know that have the TV going whenever anybody is awake? How many people go home from work and collapse in front of the boob tube? Are they ever handed the diagnosis of “televisionally compulsive”? By contrast, sex with strangers is 100 times more healthy, if you ask me.
I think it’s great that you’re experiencing an improvement in your sex life, that you’re meeting new people, and that you’re enjoying yourself in the processing. I admire your desire to maintain integrity in your sex life and to pay attention to the ethics of your erotic behavior, which I assume are the impulses that accompany your self-questioning about sexual compulsiveness. The only problem I can discern from your description is that, by conducting a satisfying erotic life, you are going against the free-floating Puritanism on which this country was founded and that still exerts a strong influence on the American psyche. You live in a body, why not enjoy it? Reject the sex-negativity and body-denial that wants to find fault with your willingness to feast at the banquet of life.

Q: I’ve always been an avid cocksucker, all my adult life. Whenever there’s a hard cock in my vicinity, I’m almost always happy to put it in my mouth. It’s almost always been a source of fun and pleasure to me. But lately I haven’t been enjoying it very much. I find myself still haunting the places where I’m used to meeting guys, like the steam room at the gym or in the park, and sucking guys off, including my boyfriend, and yet it’s not feeling good to me. I keep telling myself to refrain if I don’t feel like it, but I still keep doing it. Am I sexually compulsive?

A: If it takes saying “I have a problem” to get you to live the life you want to live, then I’d say you have a problem. I’m not a big fan of the concept of “sex addiction,” because I think it’s a dangerous term wielded by the forces of sex-negativity to shame people (especially gay men) for liking sex. But there is a piece of addiction counseling that makes a lot of sense to me: when you keep doing something you think will feel good (getting drunk, getting high, sucking dick, watching TV, shopping for clothes) even though time after time you end up feeling bad, you’re caught in the grip of something, call it addiction or neurotic behavior, and you need help.
     I do believe that there is such a thing as compulsive sexual behavior, the essence of which has to do with being out of choice. When I find myself operating according to the principle “When sex is possible, sex is mandatory,” then I know I’m in compulsive territory. If you find yourself truly out of control, not being able to stop yourself from relentless cruising, having sex and not enjoying it, spending huge amounts of money or missing work or avoiding other social opportunities to seek sex, then you have a problem and it’s time to get professional help. There’s probably something missing in your life that needs attending to. You may want simple human contact and keep seeking sexual contacts to provide that, which doesn’t always happen. Or you may be self-medicating pain, sadness, grief, or fear by drinking or drugging as part of your sexual adventures. All that is worth taking a look at. Especially if you’re endangering your health or your livelihood, you need to find a good therapist to help you. For some people, 12-step groups (such as Sexual Compulsives Anonymous) are valuable because they provide communal reinforcement for leaving behind unwanted behavior and forming more healthy habits. At the very least, talking to a friend honestly about the sex you’re having will give you a chance to hear yourself say aloud what you like and don’t like about it. You’d be surprised how much that helps you come to your senses and adjust your behavior.
     Because of the many sexual opportunities available to urban gay men, especially through the Internet these days, many of us find ourselves wondering about this question, “Am I sexually compulsive?” You may not be completely out of control, but you also may be somewhere in the vicinity. I think it’s a good idea to weigh these questions with a lot of self-compassion and try not to pathologize the human condition. You can overeat or over-drink once in a while without being an alcoholic or have an eating disorder. Even if you don’t have a serious problem with being out-of-control, you might feel out of balance in your sexual behavior. So think about what’s missing -- a varied menu of sexual activities? A second date? Sex in a bed? A day without sex? Likewise, is there something excessive going on? Are you falling into a kind of trance and spending more time cruising for sex than you want to be spending? If you’re feeling on the edge of compulsiveness, pay attention to the environments you’re hanging out in. Maybe walking through the cruisy area of the park isn’t a great idea when you’re feeling insecure or anxious. If you’re feeling crappy about yourself and/or you‘ve had a couple of drinks, maybe that’s not the best time to log on to gay.com and hit the chatrooms. What if you worked out at the gym and DIDN’T use the steam room for a change? Exercising self-restraint can be very powerful, as a reminder that you can choose the sex life you have.

Posted June 9, 2004

3.

Q: I’m a Minute Man – I cum almost as soon as I’m aroused. Can tantric massage help me last longer?

A: Many men take an interest in tantra for just this reason – they ejaculate sooner than they’d like to and they want to extend their sexual pleasure (and their partners’). Tantric practices are excellent for that purpose, and they require two things: intention and practice. Intention means making a positive choice to extend sexual pleasure by delaying the gratification of ejaculating – as opposed to leaving it to chance, falling into your usual routine, or viewing the postponement of ejaculation as some kind of torture or self-deprivation. The practice part includes relaxation, conscious breathing, mindfulness and self-observation, raising erotic energy, and circulating it around the body. It helps to practice by yourself first by setting aside time (at least 30 minutes to an hour) to masturbate and pleasure your body without the goal of ejaculating. Put yourself in a relaxed state. Some guys might automatically think of having a drink or smoking a joint to relax; I’d be more inclined to take a shower or do some yoga stretches, but hey, whatever gives you a head start in letting go of whatever tension you’ve built up in your day. Take some easy big breaths and let them out with no particular effort. Try making sound on the exhale, just ahhhh or ooooh, to let the sound of your voice vibrate throughout your body. The more you can relax and wake up your whole body, the more it can participate in the pleasure of sex. Start stroking yourself and raising erotic energy. If you’re a typical guy, as soon as you get aroused you start holding your breath, tightening your belly and your legs and your butt, so the only place the energy can go is out your dick by squirting. That’s fine and fun, but if you’re trying to extend your pleasure, see if you can pay attention to when you’re tensing your body, and then let go – stop clenching your butt and legs, breathe, let your belly soften. 
     You probably know yourself well enough to know what kind of strokes get your dick hard and close to shooting. So you might want to practice some other ways of touching yourself besides the tried-and-true up-and-down-the shaft. Use your non-dominant hand for a change. Tug your balls with one hand while you stroke your cock with the other. Try squeezing your cock and letting it go, or alternating firm and light touch. When you start to feel really aroused, touch some other parts of your body. Pinch your nipples, pull your hair, slap your chest or thighs. What that does is draw the energy you’re raising with your cock to other parts of your body. Every part of your body that blood travels to is available to erotic energy. 
     If you find yourself really close to ejaculating, take your hand off your dick (I know that sounds so simple as to be stupid, but some guys act like when they’re erect their hand is Velcroed to their dick) and shake your hands and feet, bounce your knees, move your whole body – that way you’re distributing pleasurable erotic energy around your body without discharging it by ejaculating. Even if your erection goes away, you’re still running a lot of energy and you can go right back to it by stroking yourself again. Another thing you can do when you’ve been breathing and raising energy for a little while is take 30 faster breaths, making a relaxed “ahh” sound on the exhalation, and then take a big breath, hold it as long as you can, squeezing your butt and your belly while you imagine the energy up from the base of your spine to the top of your head, like mercury rising in a thermometer. Some people can have a full-body orgasm, with a rush of sensation and involuntary trembling, without ejaculating. All of this takes practice – you’re not going to master it in one self-pleasuring session – but doesn’t that sound like a fun thing to practice?
     Of course, the advantage of receiving tantric massage is that a skilled practitioner (like, for instance, me!) will point out things about you that you may not be aware of – when you’re not breathing, or when you’re clenching your muscles – and can coach you in the fine points of hanging out in a high erotic state without going over the top. It’s like working with a personal trainer at the gym – you can probably figure out how to do a full workout, but you often don’t, or in any case it helps to have someone knowledgeable to show you the ropes and encourage you to do things you don’t normally do in order to get where you want to go. 
     By the way, what I’m calling “tantric massage” is a sort of bastardization of the original meaning of tantra, which is a meditation practice in which one views sex with a partner as a metaphor for union with the Divine. Tantric sex with a partner can incorporate many beautiful ancient meditative techniques and physical gestures to make sex deeper, longer, more intimate, and more soul-satisfying. For more information on that you can read Margo Anand’s The Art of Sexual Ecstasy or Bruce Anderson’s Tantra for Gay Men. 

Posted July 16, 2004

4.

Q. I’m a newcomer to anal sex. I’m curious about it but I’m also a little afraid and uptight. Do you have any advice on how to help your body enjoy butt pleasure?

A. As a matter of fact, I do! This is a big subject, though, so get a cup of coffee and pull up a chair. Let’s talk about butt-sex.
     First of all, we should acknowledge that 1) there are many varieties of butt-pleasure, and not all of them involve penetration; 2) there are many myths about butt-sex; and 3) there are many fears about butt-sex. 
     I think the first myth we need to lay to rest is that when we’re talking about butt-sex, we’re talking about only one thing – let’s call it fucking, someone sticking his cock up your ass and thrusting it ‘til he cums – and that there’s only one way to do it and that if you don’t enjoy it that one way, then butt-sex is not for you. Wrong! Here are some of the variations of butt-pleasure I can think of, off the top of my head:
          * External Stimulation (no penetration), with or without lube;
          * Internal Stimulation (with penetration), preferably with lube;
          * Peri-anal Stimulation (playing with sphincters without penetration – “rosebud massage” or “porch work”), with or without lube (though lube is always preferable for direct anal contact).
     If you’re new to anal pleasure, you may be prone to these typical fears: fear of pain; fear of disease (AIDS phobia, squeamishness about shit); fear of pleasure (let’s call it shame). These are understandable fears to have, AND they can be addressed with information and communication. One of the most destructive myths around butt-sex is “It always hurts a little at first, but you’ll get used to it.” Wrong! Sex should never hurt; if it does, you’re going too fast. There are three instructions that the recipient of anal attention is always always always entitled to relay: “go slower,” “stop,” and “more lube.” I wouldn’t trust my precious, tender ass to any partner who doesn’t respect those requests. 
     Any variety of butt-pleasuring can be experienced with finger/fingers/thumb, with lips/tongue/mouth, with objects (dildos, toys, butt-plugs, vegetables), and with a cock. And any of these can be wrapped in latex or separated from skin with Saran Wrap, so it is possible to experience every variety of butt-pleasuring in a safe manner – that is, without exposure to disease. And within these general categories of butt-play, there are an infinite number of variations. 
     Every butt is a little bit different. What’s pleasurable for somebody else may not be pleasurable for you. What’s pleasurable with one partner may not be pleasurable with another partner. What feels good when you’re playing with yourself may not feel the same when you’re playing with somebody else. What feels good for the top may not be what feels good for the bottom. The top and the bottom may have no idea what the other is experiencing unless they talk about it. It’s not always easy to talk about sex with a partner, but communication is essential for butt-pleasure. 
     For someone just starting to explore anal pleasure, I would begin by exploring without penetration. The best way to explore is by yourself, when you’re masturbating – comfortable and relaxed. In bed you might try just touching around your ass very lightly and delicately, tugging the hairs around your asshole, noticing what feels sensitive and pleasurable. You can use some lube and play with your butt, drawing circles around your asshole, digging and scratching fairly hard, pressing the sitz bones on either side of your asshole, stroking the crack of your ass in one direction, then the other. Or in the shower, soap up your ass and try some of the same moves. Get a dildo and practice with it yourself, pressing it and sliding against the exterior of your asshole and then play around with inserting it. (Don’t be afraid to buy the smallest size dildo – the Jeff Stryker model may look appealing, but you don’t have to go there immediately, or ever if you don’t want!) Notice what feels good, and then consider sharing the results with a partner you trust with whom you’d like to explore anal pleasure. Negotiate a play session that’s about pleasuring your butt (and/or your partner’s) without penetration.
     If you would like to explore penetration with a partner, the first step is to take a little bit of time to create some full-body relaxation. Drinking and drugging are a couple of ways to do that, but those wouldn’t be my choices. I would recommend simple contact – touching and holding one another affectionately, maybe massage each other a little bit. If your body is relaxed and your heart is open, you’re more likely to enjoy butt-sex. Also, being aroused (having an erection) often contributes to being ready, willing, and able to enjoy penetration. The next thing you need is lube, and plenty of it. (Tops, listen up: unless explicitly informed otherwise, assume that no one enjoys a finger poking around in a dry hole. And a little bit of spit is not enough.) There are a huge variety of lubricants on the market; experimenting to find which one you like best will be fun. Some people like slippery brands like Wet or Astro-Glide that come in squirt bottles; I’m perfectly content with the Duane Reade generic version of goopy K-Y that comes in a tube. 
     Rimming is also a very enjoyable way of relaxing the body, pleasuring the butt, and preparing for penetration. Assholes almost always need romancing in order to open to pleasure. There are certain precautions that it’s important to take around rimming, because there is some risk of transmitting hepatitis or parasites through analingus. To remove all risk, use some version of Saran Wrap – with a little lube on the asshole, you’d be surprised how enjoyable this can be and feel like “the real thing.” Generally, though, if you’re fresh out of the shower, there should be virtually no risk of transmitting anything nasty to a partner rimming you. One thing to remember, though, is that if you’re rimming somebody and then start slipping your finger into the ass, don’t go back to licking, because once your finger can draw out fecal matter or other microbes you don’t want in your mouth. 
     If you’re ready to get fucked and you’re new to bottoming, position yourself so that you can control the speed and depth of entry, which usually means sitting on your partner’s cock – breathing, relaxing, smiling, kissing as you explore what feels good to you. Penetration/fucking/butt-sex can feel very intense, so notice for yourself the fine distinctions between intense sensation, pain, and pleasure. If a cock feels too big to take at first, have him use your dildo or his thumb for practice. (Make sure his fingernails are clipped, use plenty of lube, and for ultimate hygiene protocol use a disposable latex glove for fingering purposes.) 
     There’s lots more to say on this subject, but those are some basic principles to begin with. But one final important comment: don’t get all your ideas about butt-sex from watching porn videos! Those guys are like professional athletes – they have a certain amount of experience, they’re getting paid for it, and they’re performers, they’re putting on a show. You don’t know what drugs they’ve taken or what they’re actually feeling. What looks hot on a video may not be hot at all in your own bed. Let yourself explore, and find out what feels good to you.

Posted November 5, 2004

5. 

Q: I am curious about your erotic mentoring work. I experience issues with poor body image. I was overweight for much of my life, so I never felt good about my body back then. I have lost 100 lbs now. But I still feel self-conscious about my body, and I fear that gay men won't be sexually attracted to me when they have sex with me. It's probably connected to the fact that I feel my skin has lost some elasticity in the process. Can you recommend any of your services that might be helpful? 

A: Thanks for your interest in my Body and Soul Work. I'd be happy to work with you and see what help I can offer you. Congratulations on losing so much weight, and on recognizing where you are in terms of your self-consciousness about your body image. This is something that some erotic mentoring from me can help you with. Specifically, we can focus on heightening your awareness of the pleasure available when you inhabit your own body. I can show you, and we can practice, some breathing and relaxation techniques that can help you stay present to your bodily sensations and quiet your busy mind. In addition, I can also guide you in letting that awareness of your pleasure-body take priority over your fantasies of other people's judgments about your body. Every one of us experiences qualms about our body's imperfections, and we imagine that other people focus as intensely on them as we do. But in my experience, other people are mostly fixated on their own imperfections and anxieties and barely notice yours! I recommend that you rent the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know?" -- it offers some powerful perspectives on this subject.

Posted May 1, 2005


6.

Q: I'm a 45 year old gay man and I have had difficulty ejaculating with another man for as long as I can remember. I get stimulated and remain so throughout but it is highly rare for another man to get me to ejaculate. This is frustrating not only for them but for me as well. I've reached a point in my life where I really want to address this - in fact, it has started to depress me. I've seen doctors before who said I have no problems and should be able to perform. I've also seen a psychologist who not at all empathetic to the issue. What help can you provide?

A: This is a very good question. You might be surprised to know how widespread your condition (sometimes called delayed or retarded ejaculation) is among gay men. I have a lot of experience working with men who, like you, have difficulty ejaculating in someone else's presence. As sexual dysfunctions go, this is one of the more difficult to treat, if "treatment" = eradication. But there are some things you can do and think about.
     Causes: There are several medical reasons that men experience difficulty ejaculating. Some medications, especially the class of anti-depressants called SSRIs (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, etc.), have the side effect of making ejaculation difficult if not impossible. Most treatments for prostate cancer will interfere with or prevent ejaculation. If you’re not able to ejaculate under any circumstances, you should definitely check with a urologist to see if there’s something else organic going on that needs to be addressed. 
     Other than those situations, here are three common reasons that men experience delayed ejaculation, and they’re not mutually exclusive:
          1) Sometimes men who have a long-established masturbation ritual (such as jerking off to pornography) find it difficult to "let go" when having sex with a partner. The highly focused, high-stimulus experience of looking at porn creates very different biochemical responses from the more de-centered, multi-focused experience of interacting with another person, and that may prevent arousal from building to the familiar kind of climax.
          2) Tension and anxiety counteract the process of sexual arousal in the body.
          3) Complicated psycho-sexual issues around control and perfectionism, sex shame or body shame, religious guilt, or a not-quite-conscious fear that cumming with another man would be a betrayal of your strong attachment to your mother. (I know that sounds like textbook Freudian interpretation but, hey, Freud didn’t make it up out of thin air!)
     I think it’s also worth mentioning some misconceptions guys have in this area. One is the thought that “I should be able to cum with someone else stimulating me.” The fact of the matter is that you know what feels best to you, and “taking over” during sex to get yourself off is perfectly normal. Many heterosexual men have had to come to grips with the reality that many women can only achieve orgasm by stimulating themselves manually. Be careful not to turn it into a test of how attractive or sexually proficient you or your partner is.
     Another misconception guys have is that the ritual of jerking off once or more a day that they developed as adolescents should continue into their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. That’s expecting a lot from your aging male body. Chinese medicine suggests this formula regarding frequency of ejaculation: take your age, double it, divide by 10, and that’s the number of days that ideally should elapse between ejaculations. In this theory, ejaculating more frequently depletes the body of energy, so if you cum more often you may want to consider what you need to do to replenish your energy. 
     Treatments: I appreciate that not being able to ejaculate when you want to can be extremely frustrating, and I can't offer any treatment that guarantees that you will be able to squirt at will. But I know that there are three things that can help: meditation, to begin to observe and dismantle the mental activity that interferes with bodily pleasure; bodywork, to increase relaxation and distribute pleasurable erotic sensations around the body, whether ejaculation occurs or not; and counseling, to reduce the shame and anxiety that builds up around the frustrating experience of not being able to ejaculate with a partner. These are all forms of treatment that I offer in the realm of Body and Soul Work. If you would like to come in for a consultation, I'd be happy to spend some time with you to see if I can be of any help. 
     Other resources: I can’t recommend highly enough the Body Electric School’s weekend workshop “Celebrating the Body Erotic.” Based on tantric and Taoist teachings, this workshop specifically teaches participants to reframe sex as energy. Rather than limiting sex to “getting it up and getting it off,” the workshop shows you how to cultivate and contain erotic energy not just for pleasure but for creative and spiritual purposes as well as general vitality. You can find out more information about the workshop here.

7

Q. I suffer from a kind of "performance anxiety." I have a sort of built-in mental time piece, and when I’m having sex there comes a time where I feel like the spotlight is on me, and it's up to me to "perform." I know it's not my partner’s fault and, believe me, I wish I could rid myself of that impression, but it's pretty deeply ingrained, despite my best efforts at eradicating it. Rightly or wrongly, as my excitement builds, I always assume that I have a narrow "window of opportunity," which is only a very few minutes in duration, and in some cases that's proven very inhibiting for me.

A. I consider this as much of a spiritual challenge as a physical difficulty. When you tell yourself this story – “The spotlight is on me, it’s up to me to perform, I have a narrow window of opportunity” -- you RE-INSCRIBE an unsatisfactory thought pattern (re-open an old wound, you could say) and create pressure for yourself to ejaculate when you're erotically aroused. This pressure is guaranteed to create anxiety, and that anxiety is guaranteed to prevent the experience you're pressuring yourself to create. It's possible that this tension or frustration is pleasurable in a neurotic/ masochistic kind of way.....but if that's not consciously your intention, "what you can do" is practice making a choice. Choose to experience physical pleasure without any pressure from yourself or from your partner. Choose to let experience pleasure whether or not an ejaculation occurs. Anything else is a recipe for frustration. The spiritual practice involved is a meditative one (or in psychological terms, we could say a cognitive-behavioral task) of being aware of when you're going into anxiety-producing thoughts and consciously, kindly, gently redirecting your awareness to your breath, to pleasurable physical sensations. When your mind strays off into anxiety-producing thoughts again, as it will, redirect it back to pleasurable touch. This may take practice, practice, practice, but it’s definitely possible. For support in developing this practice, you may find it helpful to have one or more sessions with me or another sex therapist.

Q. I have a friend who, after years of drug use and fetish sex, has become incapable of performing sexually without drugs or without some kind of fetish element, be it leather, porn, or unsafe, bareback anal. My friend gets turned on ONLY by activities that disgust him. He watches porn that excites all of his worst impulses and encourages him toward unsafe activities. This shames him horribly. His natural sexuality has been entirely perverted by porn, leather, bondage, urine, fistfucking, barebacking, group sex, faux masculinity and the gay community's celebration of every kind of sexual expression EXCEPT MAKING LOVE. I'm not sure we need HELP in eroticizing spanking. We need HELP in eroticizing LOVE. He wants to be fulfilled sexually -- and safely -- without drugs, without "costumes" or role-playing, NOT in public or in a dungeon or at a sex party, and with someone he actually LIKES. What can he do? Is there anywhere he can go that DOESN'T involve the sexualization of violence? The embrace of darkness? The spiritualization of pain? He's been hit enough. Hurt enough. He is an amazing person deserving of all good things. He needs to know, and to feel, some deep, pure, real, beautiful lovin'. And what can I, as a friend, do to help him and support him?

A. I can understand how upset you are with your friend and how difficult it is to watch him make choices of which you don't approve. It's actually one of the deepest spiritual challenges in life, accepting other people's differences AND staying connected to them. What do non-smokers do about friends who smoke? What do vegetarians do about friends who eat meat? It would be easiest just to shun them and put them in the "other" category, "the bad people." Another choice is to suffer silently in their presence. The hardest thing to do is find a balance -- letting them be them (with all 
their curiosities and imperfections and maddening obtuseness), and letting you be you (with all your curiosities and imperfections and objections), and trusting that a friendship can weather even very deep conflicts of interest/values. Sometimes it can. Sometimes it can't.

You probably won't like hearing this, but I doubt if there's any way I can help you make your friend change to do what you think he should do. I think you know as well as I how unwise and ineffective it is to offer advice to someone who hasn't asked for it. Similarly, shaming someone for what turns 
them on sexually is a practice that is rarely useful to anybody. In my experience, when we have a big reaction to something going on Out There, it means that there's something that's not being attended to In Here. If you'd like my support and guidance in exploring what's going on for YOU, I'd be happy to make an appointment to meet you and see where that might lead.

Just one word about S&M/power-and-surrender: I understand your concern for your friend's mental and physical safety. But it's a mistake to equate S&M sexplay -- which is defined as "safe, sane, and consensual" -- with violence or torture. Like you, I'm not interested in being spanked or flogged; I was punished too much as a child to find it playful or sexy in the slightest. But I've had enough experience to know that some people have profound experiences through that kind of erotic exploration, learning valuable lessons about creating boundaries, negotiating freedom, learning to trust, creating a safe place to surrender to intimacy, being vulnerable, or waking up a body/mind/soul that has been numbed through fear or anxiety or excessive control.

Posted July 28, 2006

Posted July 10, 2005

~ DON SHEWEY ~
Telephone: 212-956-4205 or email me at don@donshewey.com