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Q. I’m a newcomer to anal sex. I’m curious about it but I’m also a little afraid and uptight. Do you have any advice on how to help your body enjoy butt pleasure?
A. As a matter of fact, I do! This is a big subject, though, so get a cup of coffee and pull up a chair. Let’s talk about butt-sex.
First of all, we should acknowledge that 1) there are many varieties of butt-pleasure, and not all of them involve penetration; 2) there are many myths about butt-sex; and 3) there are many fears about butt-sex.
I think the first myth we need to lay to rest is that when we’re talking about butt-sex, we’re talking about only one thing – let’s call it fucking, someone sticking his cock up your ass and thrusting it ‘til he cums – and that there’s only one way to do it and that if you don’t enjoy it that one way, then butt-sex is not for you. Wrong! Here are some of the variations of butt-pleasure I can think of, off the top of my head:
* External Stimulation (no penetration), with or without lube;
* Internal Stimulation (with penetration), preferably with lube;
* Peri-anal Stimulation (playing with sphincters without penetration – “rosebud massage” or “porch work”), with or without lube (though lube is always preferable for direct anal contact).
If you’re new to anal pleasure, you may be prone to these typical fears: fear of pain; fear of disease (AIDS phobia, squeamishness about shit); fear of pleasure (let’s call it shame). These are understandable fears to have, AND they can be addressed with information and communication. One of the most destructive myths around butt-sex is “It always hurts a little at first, but you’ll get used to it.” Wrong! Sex should never hurt; if it does, you’re going too fast. There are three instructions that the recipient of anal attention is always always always entitled to relay: “go slower,” “stop,” and “more lube.” I wouldn’t trust my precious, tender ass to any partner who doesn’t respect those requests.
Any variety of butt-pleasuring can be experienced with finger/fingers/thumb, with lips/tongue/mouth, with objects (dildos, toys, butt-plugs, vegetables), and with a cock. And any of these can be wrapped in latex or separated from skin with Saran Wrap, so it is possible to experience every variety of butt-pleasuring in a safe manner – that is, without exposure to disease. And within these general categories of butt-play, there are an infinite number of variations.
Every butt is a little bit different. What’s pleasurable for somebody else may not be pleasurable for you. What’s pleasurable with one partner may not be pleasurable with another partner. What feels good when you’re playing with yourself may not feel the same when you’re playing with somebody else. What feels good for the top may not be what feels good for the bottom. The top and the bottom may have no idea what the other is experiencing unless they talk about it. It’s not always easy to talk about sex with a partner, but communication is essential for butt-pleasure.
For someone just starting to explore anal pleasure, I would begin by exploring without penetration. The best way to explore is by yourself, when you’re masturbating – comfortable and relaxed. In bed you might try just touching around your ass very lightly and delicately, tugging the hairs around your asshole, noticing what feels sensitive and pleasurable. You can use some lube and play with your butt, drawing circles around your asshole, digging and scratching fairly hard, pressing the sitz bones on either side of your asshole, stroking the crack of your ass in one direction, then the other. Or in the shower, soap up your ass and try some of the same moves. Get a dildo and practice with it yourself, pressing it and sliding against the exterior of your asshole and then play around with inserting it. (Don’t be afraid to buy the smallest size dildo – the Jeff Stryker model may look appealing, but you don’t have to go there immediately, or ever if you don’t want!) Notice what feels good, and then consider sharing the results with a partner you trust with whom you’d like to explore anal pleasure. Negotiate a play session that’s about pleasuring your butt (and/or your partner’s) without penetration.
If you would like to explore penetration with a partner, the first step is to take a little bit of time to create some full-body relaxation. Drinking and drugging are a couple of ways to do that, but those wouldn’t be my choices. I would recommend simple contact – touching and holding one another affectionately, maybe massage each other a little bit. If your body is relaxed and your heart is open, you’re more likely to enjoy butt-sex. Also, being aroused (having an erection) often contributes to being ready, willing, and able to enjoy penetration. The next thing you need is lube, and plenty of it. (Tops, listen up: unless explicitly informed otherwise, assume that no one enjoys a finger poking around in a dry hole. And a little bit of spit is not enough.) There are a huge variety of lubricants on the market; experimenting to find which one you like best will be fun. Some people like slippery brands like Wet or Astro-Glide that come in squirt bottles; I’m perfectly content with the Duane Reade generic version of goopy K-Y that comes in a tube.
Rimming is also a very enjoyable way of relaxing the body, pleasuring the butt, and preparing for penetration. Assholes almost always need romancing in order to open to pleasure. There are certain precautions that it’s important to take around rimming, because there is some risk of transmitting hepatitis or parasites through analingus. To remove all risk, use some version of Saran Wrap – with a little lube on the asshole, you’d be surprised how enjoyable this can be and feel like “the real thing.” Generally, though, if you’re fresh out of the shower, there should be virtually no risk of transmitting anything nasty to a partner rimming you. One thing to remember, though, is that if you’re rimming somebody and then start slipping your finger into the ass, don’t go back to licking, because once your finger can draw out fecal matter or other microbes you don’t want in your mouth.
If you’re ready to get fucked and you’re new to bottoming, position yourself so that you can control the speed and depth of entry, which usually means sitting on your partner’s cock – breathing, relaxing, smiling, kissing as you explore what feels good to you. Penetration/fucking/butt-sex can feel very intense, so notice for yourself the fine distinctions between intense sensation, pain, and pleasure. If a cock feels too big to take at first, have him use your dildo or his thumb for practice. (Make sure his fingernails are clipped, use plenty of lube, and for ultimate hygiene protocol use a disposable latex glove for fingering purposes.)
There’s lots more to say on this subject, but those are some basic principles to begin with. But one final important comment: don’t get all your ideas about butt-sex from watching porn videos! Those guys are like professional athletes – they have a certain amount of experience, they’re getting paid for it, and they’re performers, they’re putting on a show. You don’t know what drugs they’ve taken or what they’re actually feeling. What looks hot on a video may not be hot at all in your own bed. Let yourself explore, and find out what feels good to you.
Posted November 5, 2004
~ DON
SHEWEY ~
Telephone: 212-956-4205 or email me at don@donshewey.com