Sexual Healing for Women

As a sex therapist, bodyworker, and sacred intimate, I approach all my clients with the same open-hearted non-judgmental attitude. I make the same resources available to all of them, whether they’re young or old or in-between, gay or straight or undeclared, male or female or transgendered, individuals or couples. I know that much of the healing that takes place in sacred intimate work happens on very, very simple levels. Simple, nurturing touch is so important. Touch that includes genital stroking plus breath plus presence feels like acceptance. Giving permission is a big part of sacred intimate work — permission to receive pleasure, to feel your whole body, to speak desires, to bring consciousness to sex and touch, to live your spirituality without blocking your sexuality and vice versa, to be seen naked. All these are opportunities to heal shame, isolation, erotic malnutrition, and touch deprivation. And I know that sacred intimates can help people keep their erotic bodies alive in a long and loving but sexless marriage.

(If you’re not familiar with the term “sacred intimate,” I refer you to my article “Sacred Intimacy – an Integrated Approach to Sexual Healing,” which you can read online here.)

It takes tremendous courage and self-respect for anyone to seek hands-on sexual healing. At the same time, I understand that it’s a very different experience for women than it is for men. Although heterosexual men can be subject to culturally and religiously induced sex shame, the world also offers them a multitude of opportunities to explore erotic pleasures and curiosities discreetly. Women rarely feel entitled to prioritize sexual pleasure. “Nice girls don’t! The only ones that do are whores. And whores are dirty and disrespected.” Et cetera et cetera.

Similarly, plenty of men live with a crippling self-consciousness about their bodies and have exaggerated ideas about what a man’s body is supposed to look like and how it’s supposed to function. But women are exponentially more vulnerable to struggles with body image. Magazines, advertising, movies and television hold up an impossibly high standard of physical perfection, and it’s no wonder that many women have a hard time sorting through received opinions to arrive at their own understanding of femininity, beauty, and embodiment. In a sacred intimate session, you don’t have to perform for me. You get to practice being exactly who you are, right here right now – which is often easier said than done, but that’s where a sacred intimate can provide support and a loving mirror.

Gay men know a lot about being shamed for our desires. I think that’s one major reason that gay male sexual healers are ideally suited to provide a safe space for women to explore their desire bodies. We understand that embracing desire and putting our own pleasure first is a sacred and healing journey. A brave, funny, and articulate woman named Pamela Madsen has recently published an entire book about experiencing a mid-life sexual awakening by working with a series of gay male sacred intimates. Her book Shameless — subtitled “How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner” — is both an entertaining read and a friendly guidebook for women who want to follow in her footsteps.

So much of sacred intimate work has to do with adult sex education, sharing information and teaching. For instance, a lot of people automatically or unconsciously associate touch with sex, and if they don’t want sex, they don’t want touch. Although it can be very healing to enter the door of awakening sexual desire through touch/massage, some women may need explicit instructions on asking for touch that is healing and yet non-sexual.

Many women are accustomed to accommodating men’s desires without experiencing much pleasure themselves. Working with me is sometimes the first opportunity a woman has had to feel turned on in a man’s presence without having to put out. I worked with a married woman who told me that she had never had an orgasm by masturbating. During our work together, she had an orgasm by manual stimulation for the first time. Subsequently, I introduced her to the classic Hitachi wand vibrator and showed her how to use it in combination with yoni massage, with spectacular results.

Many if not most women have had the experience of unwanted sexual attention at some point in their lives, ranging from childhood sexual abuse to enduring comments on the street from male “admirers.” That’s one more factor that complicates a woman’s ability to own and enjoy her own body and its pleasures. Consent and choice can get very confusing. For many women, one of the major healing possibilities of sacred intimate work is getting practice slowing things way down, saying yes and saying no, and exercising choice moment by moment. Sometimes the healing comes from being with someone who’s willing to just be there and hold still for a very long time, letting all the feelings come up and out. Just so you know: I’m not afraid of your feelings. I’m not afraid of your bigness. There’s room here for your love and your anger, your laughter and your tears.

A sacred intimate session also provides a safe container to explore forbidden territory, taboos, and kinky desires. For some women, that may include anal play, spanking, or restraint. For others it may be as simple as making sound, getting naked, or shaking your booty without fear of being laughed at, scolded, or exploited.

Taking as much time as you need, receiving quality attention, having no agenda, forging an authentic connection, playing with male and female energies, expressing desires and making choices: these are all key aspects of what makes sacred intimacy a healing practice. But I think these are the qualities that make sacred intimacy particularly appealing to women wanting to reclaim body joy and wild desire.

For me, sacred intimate work is a constant dance between the sex-worker side of me, concentrating on healing through pleasure, and the psychotherapist, processing emotional issues. And all this takes place within the context of my own grounded spiritual practice, a consecrated ritual space, and my own sense of purpose, to wake people up to the joy of life in a body. I want to live in a world that honors and supports erotic abundance and sexual freedom for everyone.


“Our session was a beautiful experience for me. I was very nervous but you very quickly put me at ease. You had no agenda with or for me. Right from the beginning you heard that I was looking for gentle, slow and tender touch and I felt you right there with me the whole time, doing just that and looking to me always for guidance. This was so empowering for me and I thank you for that. Both you and your touch are delicious. You listen and remember things I have said and you seem very present and open to me, wanting to give me the kind of pleasurable touch I am seeking and not doing things by rote or how you think I want to be touched. It feels so very very personal and that has not always been my experience. I want you to continue to help me learn what feels good and to try new things and have new experiences.” – B. Y.

“I really enjoyed our session together. The processing and taking time to connect is very valuable to me, as I am noticing that is not often what I experience.” — K. K.

“I wish to thank you for the erotic bodywork session. I have found it surprising that I feel so trusting of the Body Electric related, Sacred Intimate practitioners with whom I’ve worked. It has been a great way for me to begin expanding my erotic life. I’m slowly exploring dating thanks to the positive experiences I’ve had.” — Lisa S.

“Thank you for holding such exquisite space for me. It was a delicious and beautiful ride, every second of it. I love how safe and grounded my time is with you – I deeply appreciate that you are able to offer that to me. You often ask powerful questions of me. I deeply enjoyed how you touched me – it was right on target – totally yummy – my expanded arousal experience is still tingling! I sigh into the freedom of my body on your massage table. I never worry about my shape – I simply embody. The uncomplicated boundaries of our relationship have been a constant in my life – and how deeply I can go within those boundaries! It is new for me…this masculine loving presence that just holds space for me in such an unbelievably loving, tender and holy way. It renders me like a child in your arms at times. I feel so safe there that at times I just don’t ever want to leave.” – P. M.